The Brain Scanner!!!

When I woke up this morning, I thought to myself, “Self, it’s going to be a sunny day. Maybe not warm, but sunny.” Then I rolled over and looked at the clock with its bright evil red numbers glaring at me; almost in sync with my realization what the numbers meant, it began to scream! Loud, long shrieks of terror…I had hit snooze, twice.

I struggled to get out of the bed, stumbled to the kitchen and wolfed down a bowl of cereal as if I hadn’t eaten in months. I took the kind of shower I assume you take in prison; very quickly, clutching the soap for dear life. As I was running out the door it suddenly hit me that I had forgotten something; I paused and looked down the hall into my apartment. Standing there in the living room, her ears folded in, head held low and tail tucked up high beneath her hips. In my rush to get out the door, I had forgotten to take Dakota out for a walk and feed here. As I hesitated at the door, slowly her tail came out and it very cautiously began to wag. “Ok, I’ll take a cab to the office today. Let’s go, but just around the block.”

That’s how my day started. It’s gotten better. I found out that none of my loans will go through a formal audit by the FDIC (pure luck that has nothing to do with the quality of the credit facilities). I really have nothing exciting or interesting to write about today. I could go off on a rant about the people opposing the health care bill who have not proposed a viable alternative to the new law. And how you have a right to protest and oppose any bill or law, but you should be more than a squeaky wheel, be a part of the solution; educate yourself and come up with something. It’s like trying to go on a road trip with friends and one of them shoots down all your ideas, but never make any suggestions of their own. Or having that daily conversation with your significant other that goes like this: “Hey, did you want to go out for sushi tonight?” “No, not in the mood for sushi.” “Ok, what do you want?” “I don’t know; what about you?”; “Well…I want sushi.” “Yeah, not tonight.”

So, I got kind of bust and put this aside for a few. During that time I came up with something cool to write about! I have been given the responsibility of selling off a piece of collateral we had "returned" to us. ITS A BRAIN SCANNER!!! Well, not really. It's a surgical imaging devise that can be used in neurosurgery.

If you know anyone that needs it, I can work out a great price. It's functional and I've learned how to use it as evidenced by this photo:




That's me performing a lobotomy on my boss. Yeah, I know...I'm awesome!

But seriously, if you know someone that wants to buy this or the $350,000 of cell phone accessories I need to move, let me know!



Johnny 5 is alive!!

Shit we don't need.

Ok, so my last few posts have been a bit deeper than I normally get, for good reason. My mood has been a bit off and unlike many, I don't drink when I get down; I get pensive. My posts become introspective. However, as a generally happy individual with three major stress points in my life, I am in a stellar mood today. No, it's not the "holiday", my mood is rooted in the fact that I am a happy person, and I am really working on changing the things in my life that don't work. And working toward fixing things makes me happy. So since I am in a good mood, I had a few whiskey's before dinner...

I want to parlay this post off my previous, more serious conversation. I spoke a lot about minimalizing my life and reducing the clutter; I think the work I created was, 'Decluterfy'. Reducing the stuff that wastes physical, emotional and mental space in my life. Tonight I want to look at the things that we really don't need as a society and culture.

1) Pages Intentionally Left Blank: We've all seen it, you're scrolling through a document, page after page of .pdf and out of nowhere, mid-document there it is. Page 34 of 76, it declares in bold capital letters..."THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK. On some level I get it, you wanted to insert a blank page for some unknown reason, but didn't want the reader to think they were missing anything. But the damn page is not blank!!! In fact it's nothing more than a lie!!! It was intentionally printed on. Either leave the damn thing out or put THIS PAGE INCLUDES NO RELEVANT INFORMATION FOR A REASON. Or, just don't waste my f'ing paper and printer ink.



2) ATM Fee Notification: How many times a month do you go to an ATM? 3, 4, 10? I know I use the thing at least once a week. And for probably 10 years now every single time I used an ATM I was charged a fee. And every time I go to an ATM I am asked if I approve of the fee. NO, I DON'T APPROVE OF THE FEE...but for crying out loud, I know it's coming. I know you are going to charge me $3 (the price of a bottle of Charles Shaw Red Wine or two cans of PBR at the Rail). Quit wasting my precious seconds by asking me if it's ok to charge me. Am I at an ATM? As a salesman, I think it would be a better tactic to notify me when you WEREN'T charging me a fee. Then I might actually consider switching to your bank.



3)Surgeon General Warnings: Ok, found on cigarettes and booze. All I really need to say is, "If you can't tell that the cigarettes you are smoking have had a negative impact on you ability to BREATHE, than maybe you deserve to die of lung cancer". It was different in the early days; in the 40's and 50's 9 out of 10 doctors smoked Camel Brand. It was a healthy, social thing to do. The WWII and early boomers were taught it was safe and socially acceptable to smoke. IF YOU STILL BELIEVE THERE ARE NO NEGATIVE EFFECTS TO CIGARETTE SMOKE YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET!!!!! And there are enough products out there, that cost the same or less than cigs, to aide quitting. If you really want to quit the little warning label won't help, nor will it deter future smokers.



4) The Chia Pet: If you want a plant, get a plant. If you want a statue, buy a statue. You have room for both.

5) The Clapper: No...not the Clap. If you want the lights off, get your lazy ass out of be and turn off the damn lights. Quit being lazy.

6) Bottled Water: Ok, aside from the environmental impact of buying bottled water there is the personal financial effect. Turn on the tap...even if you pay for city water it's going to cost you 90% less than buying your water at the store. Get over the "taste". You should drink 64 ounces of water per day minimum; that translates to nearly $12 per day if you buy bottled water. Even if you paid $100 per month for your home water bill (which is ridiculously high) you're still about $200 less than you'd pay to drink 64 ounces of bottled water per day over the course of a month.




This list could go on forever, but I'm going to stop here because, well, that's all I have tonight.

-JB

Decluterfy

I am going to decluterfy my life. I am going to eliminate all the clutter, both tangible and electronic that has taken its mental and organizational toll on me. It seems like the more we are "connected" the less we get done, and there is a point where we just have too much stuff.

By the end of April I intend to have eliminated anything I haven't used or don't intend on using for at least 6 months (I'm keeping my golf clubs and guns so don't ask for them). Some things will be sold, others thrown out and donated. Many of my online accounts will be deactivated (Facebook is up for debate at this point). The intent is to refocus my energy and find a more efficient use for my space and time.

I realized a few days ago that I have something like 75 apps on my iPhone, many I have never even used that provide information I can find just as quickly using a good old fashion Google search. I have two of every kitchen utensil and clothing I have never worn. I have 10 place settings of my everyday dinner stuff, but have never had more than 4 people over for dinner when the nice china wasn't used. I see no reason to have stuff "just in case". In case what? In case we need to give 50 gifts and Target and every other store runs out of gift bags?

I have a lot of goals and things I want to get done in my life, I don't need all the distractions that impede my ability to get things done. I don't need a Twitter account, I don't really care to tell the world what bars and restaurants I'm "Mayor" of via Foursquare, and I'm really not interested in reading random people's thoughts. If I'm interested hearing what you have to say, I'll call or we can grab lunch or a beer. The idea is to simplify my life, take the little rocks out of the jar so the big ones can fit.

I'm not anti-social, I'm not looking to distance myself. I'm looking to add value to my relationships and increase my time spent obtaining my personal and professional goals.

It starts today. I'm done with all the crap.

-JB

Memoirs & Tell Alls

This is the kinda stuff that goes through my head when I stay up until 4 am on a Tuesday night and need to get up at 6 to get ready for work...I started thinking about funny titles famous people could use if they wrote memoirs and tell alls. I warn you that some of them are really dumb, but remember I came up with them after only 2 hours of sleep in the last 42 hours.

1) "My Life with B.O.: A Memoir" by Michelle Obama



2) "It's Only Got One 'L', Assholle!" by Dalai Lama

3) "I Was Famous??" by Lindsay Lohan

4) "He was an Oops Baby." by George Herbert Walker Bush



5) "Oh Shit" by Pontius Pilate

6) "Serial Killers and Catcher: Why I Became a Recluse" by J.D. Salinger

7) "Hot Steamy Night with Dick...Cheney" by Glenn Beck



8) "Why I Lost in Russia" by Napoleon

9) "Why I Lost in Russia" by Hitler

10) "I Made Russia Look Like Assholes & Something About Marlyn Monroe" by John F Kennedy

11) "Booze, Coke, Hookers & Taking Shit Over" by Moammar Kadafi, forward by Steven Tyler

12) "How Many Times Can I Confess?" by Joran van der Sloot

13) "Hey, Guess What!" by Bernie Madoff

14) "Really? Are You Kidding Me? You Didn't Know?" by Liberace



15) "Life After Brynn" by Phil Hartman

Any of these would be at least an interesting read. I need to start sleeping...

-JB

Don't you have goals??

I was recently asked what it is that I want out of life, what my goals are, where I see myself in 1, 5, 10, 20 years. I'm almost 30, and the one thing that I have been able to say for most of my short life is that I can honestly say I can't answer that "where do you see yourself" question. I never have been able too. But I can say that I know what my passions are and I know that where ever I end up, it will involve something on that list.

I live to be outside. Running on the road, hiking a trail, riding a single track, hunting coyote, or just relaxing on the beach...fresh air, open spaces, adventure. I love these things. I could spend every moment of my life in the woods. I could wake up every morning in a tent, ride my mountain bike out to the job site, ride home to start a bonfire and grill some dogs and drink some beer with friends.
Yes, I enjoy living in the city. It works in a twisted concrete wilderness sort of way. Instead of getting up in the morning and driving my car to the office, then driving to the gym, then driving to the bar only to drive home, I get to walk to the office and enjoy the mornings weather, I get to spend my lunch sitting by the river at a restaurants patio watching boats cruise by. No, I'm not climbing a mountain or building the worlds largest bonfire, but I get to spend my free time out of the house.
All this being said, the city is not a forever thing for me. One of my goals...is to live in a place I can wake up in the morning and go for a quick mountain bike ride, on real mountain single track, before heading to work at a job that allows me to work outdoors or at least with products and services related to being outside. And I want to be able to do this year round. I really do like snow, but I hate winter. The things I love to do don't happen below 45 degrees. From pretty much December 1st until April 1st I'm cooped up, I'm trapped.
I have gone on January hikes, but since I don't ski, ice fish or snowmobile, there's not many other options. And not to be a dick, but hiking in the mid-west really isn't much more than a long walk in the woods.

My professional goals center around owning my own business. In my mind there is nothing more rewarding than the challenges faced and overcome by a business owner. That, and all of the above having been said, my business will be related to something outdoors. I have a few plans in my head, some of which are making their way out on to paper (I'll keep you posted). These plans just need to be viable enough for me to live off of. I have no real aspirations to be a millionaire, I just want to live comfortably off of a day to day life that I enjoy. I want to wake up excited about what I am going to do for the day. I want to care about the work that I am doing.
The great thing (and shitty thing) is that I know what it is going to take to obtain this. It's going to take long hours and hard work. But at the end of the day all those late nights are truly worth the stress and aggravation if I get to wake up in the morning and give two shits about what I am headed to at the office (after a 10 mile mountain bike ride of course).

I'm not a guy that wants much. I couldn't care less about a fancy house with all the bestest bells and whistles. Give me an average house, on about 20 acres, a jeep wrangler, and a good sized gun collection. I don't need decorations up the ass, I don't need the fancy slate counters and high end kitchen appliances. In fact, the less shit I have, the better I feel. I intend to spend as little time inside as humanly possible, so why spent the money to decorate and fancify?

Ok, so at the end of the day...I want to spend most of my life outside, I want a job that involves the outdoors in someway, I want to be able to enjoy this stuff year-round, I want to own my own company that does outdoor stuff, and I want an average house on a few acres without a bunch of shit I will never use. Oh, and a jeep wrangler.

I'm a pretty simple dude.

-JB

Ok...now he's just nuts.

In my previous post I defended this clown based on the premise that maybe the sport needs to make their voting methods a little more transparent and they should add a difficulty category. But honestly, this Plushenko guy is a little over the top with this shit now. I'll let the linked article do the rest of the talking...

"In Plushenko's Mind..."

Too bad there's not a "Contact Me" tab on this page, or maybe there is and I just can't find it because it's written like this...

Свяжитесь со мной.

Basically, this guy's crazy and I take back anything I may have said that would lead one to believe I support him in any way, other than maybe a ride to the mental institution.

-JB

Toughen Up Figure Skating!!!

So, I really made a mistake today. I read a note written by Sarah Palin on Facebook about how she thinks global warming is bullshit.



I was going to write a post about it and get all political and shit, but then I decide to get drunk and watch the Olympics (The Palin post will come soon). I love the Olympics. No one would ever watch the biathlon (which I will compete in one day) if it wasn't for the Olympics. No one would give two shits about Apolo Ono if it wasn't for the Olympics and who would really care who was the best at sliding face first down an tube filled with ice was??

The truth is most of these people compete nearly every weekend in some internatinol competition or some championship because they're that fucking good. For many of them, the Olympics are nothing more htan another internatniosal event.

Part of the reason I relly really love the Olympics is the motto..."Citius, Altius, Fortius"; which means, "Faster, Higher, Stronger". The idea is that every day we strive to be better. Whether it's beign a better salesman, father to my dog, or person in general, I should always fight to be a better individual. That's what it means to the average dude, to the guy like me it means that I thoroughly expect each and every moment to be better than the last. Now...I am not condoning this behovior, in fact I to some those words don't mean as much.

This week, Shaun White, for the second time in his young career revolutionised his sport. 4 years ago in Torino he debuted a trick called the double cork 1080. He pushed half-pipe to a new level, he forced his competition out of their comfort zone and changed the game. This shows in the fact that everyone (except Shaun) used the double cork in their half-pipe runs. Shaun, however, beat all of them with a very standard, yet perfect, run. He went higher than any other competitor. And then, having already clinched the gold AND dropping an f-bomb on live tv, he pushed the sport to new limits by landing a double mctwist 1260. I don't like the person, but he optimizes "Citius, Altius, Fortius".

In the exact oposite of this, (yes I spell really poorly when I'm drunk) we have figure skating. The battle for gold came down to a very close fight between the young American (fuck yeah) Evan Lysacek and the veteran Russian Evgeni Plushenko. Lysacek won gold by 1.31 points. Neither man was flawless, neither man executed without a few bumps. But Plushenko lost.

The major difference was the difficulty of Plushenko's routine. He sucessfully pulled off a quad jump while Lysacek didn't even attempt one. Call me a traitor, call me un-American (previous posts prove I'm not), but Plushenko, in my mind, deserved the win. He pushed, he stretched, he moved the sport forward. The International Skating Union, by their own admission, does not consider difficulty of routine in their judging...

The ISU not only omits difficulty, something every other judged event uses, but they no longer identify the judges. They hide behind anonymity while scoring the competition. I'm calling shenanigans, I'm going to stand beside Plushenko in his dissatification. The sport will never advance, it will never push the limits, it will never live up to the Olympic motto if they don't consider the real difficulty of the individual's routine.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I don't watch enough figure skating (even though they cover it like it's the only winter Olympic event), but until they pull the veil off their scoring methods I cannot respect it as a pure competition by the meaning of the Olympic games.

Citius, Altius, Fortius.

-JB