Obama, do something, would ya?

Well, I'm not exactly what one might call, a democrat. Nor am I really republican, but that's a whole different post. We'll stick with, not being a democrat, for the sake of argument today. See, I'm watching this whole thing go down in the gulf and I'm as appalled as anyone about the blame game being played between BP, Transocean and Cheney Inc...I mean Haliburton. I am by no means defending any of them. But I've got to step in an defend Mr. President on this one. If I hear one more person say "Obama should have done more!" or "Why hasn't Obama accomplished more in stopping this spill?" or "Shit, this Obama dude just let all us people and animals down here suffer." I swear, I will eat a baby seal.

People, what do you expect Obama to do? Swim down to the bottom of the ocean dressed as Aquaman, call all his fishy friends to help him plug the well?



Or maybe he could have personally taken over the role of BP's disaster management team and use his vast knowledge of off-shore oil well engineering, obtained at University of Hawaii, to devise a plan that would stop the leak!



I know, call the BP executives three times a day every day asking for an update, then he could have held the BP executive's families hostage until there was a resolution!



Or maybe fine BP an additional baggillion dollars a day for every day the hole is still leaking!

Ok, I think you get the picture. My point is, his hands are tied. Is there really something he can do, other than continue to publicly hold BP accountable for their actions, delays, and errors. Was his schedule supposed to stop because there's an oil spill? Did the wars, economy and unemployment all suddenly get resolved so that he can stand on the Louisiana coast to keep a watchful eye out over the shore line?

Grow up people.

-JB

Sub-urban America

Ok, those of you that know me well, know that I am a very upbeat positive person. Yes, I go on rants and I can get a bit grumpy, but for the most part I am a happy person. I wanted to approach this post from that root happy person, but I couldn't figure out how. I thought I would write about the reasons I love the city and the country, but that approach really fell short of the point i was trying to make. And in the end I realized I just could not come up with any way to do this other than the way it ended up...

WHY I HATE THE SUBURBS!!

1) Sidewalks - A pretty simple concept. A strip of pavement along the side of the road that people can...get this...walk on. Now I know that everyone that lives in the 'burbs has lost use of their legs from countless hours sitting in a cubicle and driving their SUVs to the Starbucks down the street, but it's anti-human. You don't even have the option to walk, run, or ride anywhere if you wanted too. Well, I guess you can, but with all the SUVs flying around, you might not want to run along the shoulder of the road.

2) "Food" Culture - I think it's about time the Mexican government sends a delegation of food critics to the US to review our "Mexican" restaurants. Ladies and gentlemen, nachos are not Mexican food. Qudoba, Taco Bell, Taco Fresco, Cancun and most other restaurants serving Mexican food would be shut down immediately. People, putting sour cream and yellow cheese on a taco or gordita in Mexico is as shameful as putting ketchup on a hot dog in Chicago, or mayo on a hamburger in Detroit. You just don't do it. In the land of bland, people really believe Olive Garden, Chi-Chi's, Outback and P.F.Changs are fine ethnic dining. No personality, no creativity, cookie cutter recipes served in branded restaurants that are duplicated a million times a week all across the country.

3) Conformity - Everything looks the same, across nearly every American suburb. In fact, I bet that if I blindfolded you, knocked you out and drove for a really really long time then pulled off the highway into any given suburb, you'd never know where we were. Typical first mile off the highway in sub-urban America contains 2-5 fast food restaurants, maybe a Cracker Barrell, at least 4 car dealerships, 3 gas stations and a "big box" store (Home Depot, Lowes, Wal-mart). Then you've got "The Mall": Abercrombie & Fitch, two Victoria's Secret's, kiosks sell crap we don't need, the Disney Store, Foot Locker, The Gap, Lids, Bath & Body Works, Sharper Image and many more. All anchored by a food court, Nordstrom, JC Penny's and a Macy's. All selling pretty much the same overpriced, made in China clothing. Now that we've made it about 3 miles into this cozy little sub-urban town we start to see the sub-divisions. A place where people live in their own mass produced 4 bedroom house, with their nice two car garage and their white picket fence. Only they need to follow the associations rules...no trees taller than X, no fences in the front yard, only mow your lawn on Tuesday, Friday or Sunday if your address ends in an odd number, don't water your lawn on the third friday of every month. Yes, each house looks a little different, but you can't just paint it any color you want without the association or township telling you that you're a freak and need to change it. And each sub-division has it's own style of houses that you need to select yours from. No wonder people buy boats and cars they can't afford and force their kids to play sports they're not good at...they need to find a way to separate themselves from all the other cult members.

Now you're probably saying "Yeah, the city's got all this stuff. But the country doesn't even come close to any of this."

You're right, which makes the middle of nowhere the best place to live. Your way, your pace. Simple.

-JB

Stupid Awesome Movie Marathon

Yes, as usual I'm drunk. And I decided that this evening I would utilize said stupor to enjoy some of the classics. Movies from the 80's and 90's. The kind of movies you need to be intoxicated to full appreciate. So as I sit here finishing up the first flick, I'm gonna write my thoughts on each of them. So here we go...


Movie #1) Ghostbusters [1984]: So really, there's an invisible man sleeping in your bed? Fuck calling the Ghostbusters, I'm calling a real estate agent and a priest. I love this movie, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and Harold Ramis a bunch of Chicago guys and hot 1984 Sigourney Weaver!! I mean the time line of the movie is absurd, one day these no name scientist that are testing "ESP" on hot chicks and dorky guys see a ghost in the New York Public Library (have you been there? I think I saw one too) and suddenly invent a containment unit and proton packs to capture and store ghosts?? And really, what were they going to do with these ghosts once they were contained? Enslave them? Teach them to sit and stay and become the new pet fad? Oh and I need to say this, I would put Dana Barrett as Zuul right up there with Princess Leia in the slave costume. I mean really, something that hot can only result in one thing "Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!"
Of the millions of quotes I could list as the best I think this one really stands out: "We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!"
Two things this move taught me: 1) When someone asks you if you're a god..SAY YES!!
2) Never cross the steams!

Movie #2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [1990]: "Our heroes were in to pepperoni and cheese" Ok, pretty simple story, shit gets crazy in NYC and some mutant animals that learned karate from another freak animal solve the problem. First problem, April O'Neil is not hot at all, I mean really? It's 1990 and you can't come up with better than Judith Hoag? While you've got to respect the big hair, but come on someone at the casting company needs to get fired. HOWEVER...they are nearly redeemed by having chosen Corey Feldman as Donatello's voice. But hey, these guys were transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop. The reality of life would look more like this...



More death from nuclear poison and less super ninja mutations (I have this shirt by the way) than this...
"Then one day I came across a shattered glass jar, and four baby turtles."
"That was Us, hee hee"

Here's the deal, this movie was less of a comic book and more of a window into our culture. This was one of many movies (including Ghostbusters) that made NYC look like a dirty, unsafe city (which it was at the time). These guys lived in a sewer for crying out loud...just like the "giant crocs" people flushed during the exotic pet fad of the 90's (I had a pet turtle for 15 years). Pizza delivery was just becoming popular just like Japanese culture.

My favorite quote (again of the millions I could choose): "Looked like sort of a big turtle, in a trench coat; You're going to La Guardia right?"
What I learned from this movie: Four mutant creatures and a freak in a hockey mask is all it takes to clean up the streets!

Movie #3) Ferris Bueller's Day Off [1986]:Probably the best movie ever. This kid bull shits the entire city of Chicago just for a day, because he just doesn't want to go to school. Every kids dream. Not only does he skip school, but he breaks his girlfriend, Sloane, out of school, heads downtown, stares at Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte,” leans against the window at the Sears Tower, sang Danke Schoen in a parade, had lunch at a swanky restaurant, and successfully evaded Ed Rooney, and beat his parents home. Every kids dream, period. How many times have I watched this and thought, "How fricking awesome is he!?!?!?!??!?!" Since moving to Chicago I have done pretty much everything they did, that is of course except sneak into a parade. However, I've come close to that as well.
Probably the best quote of all time:
What I learned from this timeless classic: If you're cool enough, you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT!
Best Quotes (couldn't just pick one):
"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it."
"Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."
"The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"
I just love this flick!!

-JB

Strange Goings On...

Nothing that happens in this city will ever really surprise me, any of you that have ever lived in a real city will understand this. When you take 3 million people and pack them into a geographic area at the rate of 12,000 +/- per mile you're bound to get the strangest of the strange taking place.

This weekend was no exception, in fact some of the random events happened not only in my neighborhood, but on my block! I think it all really started Friday; this city has an energy like no other, it's got a mood that hangs in the air, and if you listen to it you can sense it, you can feel it's mood and you get drawn in. It's powerful, it's beautiful! It can be uplifting or it can be dark. On this particular Friday it was an upbeat energy that put a smile on my face as I walked home in the wind. It was a goofy smile, the wind was bringing a storm but the sky was blue. I couldn't help but notice that the energy was happy and high, but a little off.

So, I have a few post-work cocktails at home, and I get tired, it had been a long week, and I was sick and whatever...so I go to bed. Sometime around 4 or 4:30 am I wake up to sirens. Not really normal for sirens to wake me up, they go by all night every night, you learn to sleep through them. So, they wake me up but go quiet right away so I fall back asleep. A second later I hear more, and they go quiet again. Now, if you know anything about the usage of sirens, they're on while in route but turned off while on scene. Well, since I didn't hear them off in the distance moving away I quickly determined that they must be on scene, near by. So I looked out the window and BOOM there they are. Right in front of my building. A fire truck and 4 cop cars. Being that it's 4am and I have neither the desire to get dressed nor be the guy interviewed by the news crew wearing boxers and a Van Halen t-shirt who says something like "Well, what had happen' was that I heard this big crash and then like the sirens come flashin' down the street. So I came out to see what was goin' on ya know"; I went back to sleep.

In the morning I took the dog out and BLAM there it was...the Ford Candy Red Metallic color glistening in the sun...the front bumper of a Mustang...in the garbage can. I headed the half block west to Morgan and as I turned south car parts were everywhere. Foam inserts, fiberglass panels, headlamp assemblies, front grills. Then I saw what ha' happen...two parked cars looked like they had been involved in a 40mph t-bone. Broken rocker arms, pieces of red fiberglass sticking out of the aluminium body panels of the Jaguar. Swooping tire tracks all over the street told the rest of the story; Allegedly, two drunk asses, driving a rear-wheel drive sports car in the ran, way too fast had lost control and fishtailed into the two parked cars. The red mustang spun at least once in the street coming to a complete stop just short of the intersection, but facing the wrong direction. The vehicle occupants fled the scene on foot, most likely heading east bound on Madison.

After viewing the tragic aftermath I kinda wish I had gone running outside to be on scene and snap cell phone pics! Oh, well. Next time.

So then, as Dakota and I continue on our walk I met a new person!! I always get excited to meet new people. To lead into this chance meeting I need to give you a little background on my 'hood. My neighborhood's fame began in 1886 after the events that unfolded during the Haymarket Massacre, it continued to be a very rough industrial neighborhood until as recent as 6 years ago when yuppie condos started popping up in all the old brick warehouses. Now that the yuppies have all moved in, the streets are pretty clean, for the most part. One issue we still face is the fact we are wedged between the cities West Side (very rough) and the business district (where all the bums go beg).

Now most the bums in our area are very transient, they're basically moving from the ghetto to collection points around the city, we just happen to be the buffer between the two. So as Dakota and I make the turn from Aberdeen to Adams, I see this sweet little old lady packing up her "bed" into her grocery cart. Ruby seems like a nice lady, over the course of the weekend I saw here sitting on a milk crate in front of Starbucks, then enjoying the sun in the empty lot across the street, then bedding down for the night in the alley on the block west of Morgan. She's quiet, doesn't cuss or yell at newspaper boxes so no complaints.

So as it turns out there was also an immigration reform march that afternoon as well. An three-mile long march down Washington street from Union Park to Daley Plaza (That's where they got that Picasso!!). Now this was no surprise, as it happens every May 1st, what came as the surprise was the dramatic and visible increase in police presence over the previous years. In reaction to the law passed in Arizona the police were ready for a potentially more vocal and aggressive group this year. What really got my attention thought, was the Illinois State Police marching down Madison (a block south of Washington) in full riot gear. Made you think about the riots going on in Bangkok, the riots in Greece and the reaction many other anti-government actions receive around the world. This kind of police presence can be a daily event in most other nations, and nearly every rally by the people draws this kind of attention by the authorities. There are frequent protests and rallies in this city. All draw special attention from the city police, as they should, but never have I had the state police march into my city with batons and shields, ready for action...

This all leaves me to ask one question.