Ok, those of you that know me well, know that I am a very upbeat positive person. Yes, I go on rants and I can get a bit grumpy, but for the most part I am a happy person. I wanted to approach this post from that root happy person, but I couldn't figure out how. I thought I would write about the reasons I love the city and the country, but that approach really fell short of the point i was trying to make. And in the end I realized I just could not come up with any way to do this other than the way it ended up...
WHY I HATE THE SUBURBS!!
1) Sidewalks - A pretty simple concept. A strip of pavement along the side of the road that people can...get this...walk on. Now I know that everyone that lives in the 'burbs has lost use of their legs from countless hours sitting in a cubicle and driving their SUVs to the Starbucks down the street, but it's anti-human. You don't even have the option to walk, run, or ride anywhere if you wanted too. Well, I guess you can, but with all the SUVs flying around, you might not want to run along the shoulder of the road.
2) "Food" Culture - I think it's about time the Mexican government sends a delegation of food critics to the US to review our "Mexican" restaurants. Ladies and gentlemen, nachos are not Mexican food. Qudoba, Taco Bell, Taco Fresco, Cancun and most other restaurants serving Mexican food would be shut down immediately. People, putting sour cream and yellow cheese on a taco or gordita in Mexico is as shameful as putting ketchup on a hot dog in Chicago, or mayo on a hamburger in Detroit. You just don't do it. In the land of bland, people really believe Olive Garden, Chi-Chi's, Outback and P.F.Changs are fine ethnic dining. No personality, no creativity, cookie cutter recipes served in branded restaurants that are duplicated a million times a week all across the country.
3) Conformity - Everything looks the same, across nearly every American suburb. In fact, I bet that if I blindfolded you, knocked you out and drove for a really really long time then pulled off the highway into any given suburb, you'd never know where we were. Typical first mile off the highway in sub-urban America contains 2-5 fast food restaurants, maybe a Cracker Barrell, at least 4 car dealerships, 3 gas stations and a "big box" store (Home Depot, Lowes, Wal-mart). Then you've got "The Mall": Abercrombie & Fitch, two Victoria's Secret's, kiosks sell crap we don't need, the Disney Store, Foot Locker, The Gap, Lids, Bath & Body Works, Sharper Image and many more. All anchored by a food court, Nordstrom, JC Penny's and a Macy's. All selling pretty much the same overpriced, made in China clothing. Now that we've made it about 3 miles into this cozy little sub-urban town we start to see the sub-divisions. A place where people live in their own mass produced 4 bedroom house, with their nice two car garage and their white picket fence. Only they need to follow the associations rules...no trees taller than X, no fences in the front yard, only mow your lawn on Tuesday, Friday or Sunday if your address ends in an odd number, don't water your lawn on the third friday of every month. Yes, each house looks a little different, but you can't just paint it any color you want without the association or township telling you that you're a freak and need to change it. And each sub-division has it's own style of houses that you need to select yours from. No wonder people buy boats and cars they can't afford and force their kids to play sports they're not good at...they need to find a way to separate themselves from all the other cult members.
Now you're probably saying "Yeah, the city's got all this stuff. But the country doesn't even come close to any of this."
You're right, which makes the middle of nowhere the best place to live. Your way, your pace. Simple.
-JB
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