Stupid Awesome Movie Marathon

Yes, as usual I'm drunk. And I decided that this evening I would utilize said stupor to enjoy some of the classics. Movies from the 80's and 90's. The kind of movies you need to be intoxicated to full appreciate. So as I sit here finishing up the first flick, I'm gonna write my thoughts on each of them. So here we go...


Movie #1) Ghostbusters [1984]: So really, there's an invisible man sleeping in your bed? Fuck calling the Ghostbusters, I'm calling a real estate agent and a priest. I love this movie, Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and Harold Ramis a bunch of Chicago guys and hot 1984 Sigourney Weaver!! I mean the time line of the movie is absurd, one day these no name scientist that are testing "ESP" on hot chicks and dorky guys see a ghost in the New York Public Library (have you been there? I think I saw one too) and suddenly invent a containment unit and proton packs to capture and store ghosts?? And really, what were they going to do with these ghosts once they were contained? Enslave them? Teach them to sit and stay and become the new pet fad? Oh and I need to say this, I would put Dana Barrett as Zuul right up there with Princess Leia in the slave costume. I mean really, something that hot can only result in one thing "Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!"
Of the millions of quotes I could list as the best I think this one really stands out: "We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!"
Two things this move taught me: 1) When someone asks you if you're a god..SAY YES!!
2) Never cross the steams!

Movie #2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [1990]: "Our heroes were in to pepperoni and cheese" Ok, pretty simple story, shit gets crazy in NYC and some mutant animals that learned karate from another freak animal solve the problem. First problem, April O'Neil is not hot at all, I mean really? It's 1990 and you can't come up with better than Judith Hoag? While you've got to respect the big hair, but come on someone at the casting company needs to get fired. HOWEVER...they are nearly redeemed by having chosen Corey Feldman as Donatello's voice. But hey, these guys were transformed from the norm by the nuclear goop. The reality of life would look more like this...



More death from nuclear poison and less super ninja mutations (I have this shirt by the way) than this...
"Then one day I came across a shattered glass jar, and four baby turtles."
"That was Us, hee hee"

Here's the deal, this movie was less of a comic book and more of a window into our culture. This was one of many movies (including Ghostbusters) that made NYC look like a dirty, unsafe city (which it was at the time). These guys lived in a sewer for crying out loud...just like the "giant crocs" people flushed during the exotic pet fad of the 90's (I had a pet turtle for 15 years). Pizza delivery was just becoming popular just like Japanese culture.

My favorite quote (again of the millions I could choose): "Looked like sort of a big turtle, in a trench coat; You're going to La Guardia right?"
What I learned from this movie: Four mutant creatures and a freak in a hockey mask is all it takes to clean up the streets!

Movie #3) Ferris Bueller's Day Off [1986]:Probably the best movie ever. This kid bull shits the entire city of Chicago just for a day, because he just doesn't want to go to school. Every kids dream. Not only does he skip school, but he breaks his girlfriend, Sloane, out of school, heads downtown, stares at Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte,” leans against the window at the Sears Tower, sang Danke Schoen in a parade, had lunch at a swanky restaurant, and successfully evaded Ed Rooney, and beat his parents home. Every kids dream, period. How many times have I watched this and thought, "How fricking awesome is he!?!?!?!??!?!" Since moving to Chicago I have done pretty much everything they did, that is of course except sneak into a parade. However, I've come close to that as well.
Probably the best quote of all time:
What I learned from this timeless classic: If you're cool enough, you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT!
Best Quotes (couldn't just pick one):
"I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it."
"Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."
"The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"
I just love this flick!!

-JB

Strange Goings On...

Nothing that happens in this city will ever really surprise me, any of you that have ever lived in a real city will understand this. When you take 3 million people and pack them into a geographic area at the rate of 12,000 +/- per mile you're bound to get the strangest of the strange taking place.

This weekend was no exception, in fact some of the random events happened not only in my neighborhood, but on my block! I think it all really started Friday; this city has an energy like no other, it's got a mood that hangs in the air, and if you listen to it you can sense it, you can feel it's mood and you get drawn in. It's powerful, it's beautiful! It can be uplifting or it can be dark. On this particular Friday it was an upbeat energy that put a smile on my face as I walked home in the wind. It was a goofy smile, the wind was bringing a storm but the sky was blue. I couldn't help but notice that the energy was happy and high, but a little off.

So, I have a few post-work cocktails at home, and I get tired, it had been a long week, and I was sick and whatever...so I go to bed. Sometime around 4 or 4:30 am I wake up to sirens. Not really normal for sirens to wake me up, they go by all night every night, you learn to sleep through them. So, they wake me up but go quiet right away so I fall back asleep. A second later I hear more, and they go quiet again. Now, if you know anything about the usage of sirens, they're on while in route but turned off while on scene. Well, since I didn't hear them off in the distance moving away I quickly determined that they must be on scene, near by. So I looked out the window and BOOM there they are. Right in front of my building. A fire truck and 4 cop cars. Being that it's 4am and I have neither the desire to get dressed nor be the guy interviewed by the news crew wearing boxers and a Van Halen t-shirt who says something like "Well, what had happen' was that I heard this big crash and then like the sirens come flashin' down the street. So I came out to see what was goin' on ya know"; I went back to sleep.

In the morning I took the dog out and BLAM there it was...the Ford Candy Red Metallic color glistening in the sun...the front bumper of a Mustang...in the garbage can. I headed the half block west to Morgan and as I turned south car parts were everywhere. Foam inserts, fiberglass panels, headlamp assemblies, front grills. Then I saw what ha' happen...two parked cars looked like they had been involved in a 40mph t-bone. Broken rocker arms, pieces of red fiberglass sticking out of the aluminium body panels of the Jaguar. Swooping tire tracks all over the street told the rest of the story; Allegedly, two drunk asses, driving a rear-wheel drive sports car in the ran, way too fast had lost control and fishtailed into the two parked cars. The red mustang spun at least once in the street coming to a complete stop just short of the intersection, but facing the wrong direction. The vehicle occupants fled the scene on foot, most likely heading east bound on Madison.

After viewing the tragic aftermath I kinda wish I had gone running outside to be on scene and snap cell phone pics! Oh, well. Next time.

So then, as Dakota and I continue on our walk I met a new person!! I always get excited to meet new people. To lead into this chance meeting I need to give you a little background on my 'hood. My neighborhood's fame began in 1886 after the events that unfolded during the Haymarket Massacre, it continued to be a very rough industrial neighborhood until as recent as 6 years ago when yuppie condos started popping up in all the old brick warehouses. Now that the yuppies have all moved in, the streets are pretty clean, for the most part. One issue we still face is the fact we are wedged between the cities West Side (very rough) and the business district (where all the bums go beg).

Now most the bums in our area are very transient, they're basically moving from the ghetto to collection points around the city, we just happen to be the buffer between the two. So as Dakota and I make the turn from Aberdeen to Adams, I see this sweet little old lady packing up her "bed" into her grocery cart. Ruby seems like a nice lady, over the course of the weekend I saw here sitting on a milk crate in front of Starbucks, then enjoying the sun in the empty lot across the street, then bedding down for the night in the alley on the block west of Morgan. She's quiet, doesn't cuss or yell at newspaper boxes so no complaints.

So as it turns out there was also an immigration reform march that afternoon as well. An three-mile long march down Washington street from Union Park to Daley Plaza (That's where they got that Picasso!!). Now this was no surprise, as it happens every May 1st, what came as the surprise was the dramatic and visible increase in police presence over the previous years. In reaction to the law passed in Arizona the police were ready for a potentially more vocal and aggressive group this year. What really got my attention thought, was the Illinois State Police marching down Madison (a block south of Washington) in full riot gear. Made you think about the riots going on in Bangkok, the riots in Greece and the reaction many other anti-government actions receive around the world. This kind of police presence can be a daily event in most other nations, and nearly every rally by the people draws this kind of attention by the authorities. There are frequent protests and rallies in this city. All draw special attention from the city police, as they should, but never have I had the state police march into my city with batons and shields, ready for action...

This all leaves me to ask one question.

Militia

I've discussed this before, and am doing so again for two reasons. First, it is something that I feel strongly about. Second, it has come back into the forefront of the news and it is again being handled irresponsibly by the media. I'll start with this:

Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.



This is a very powerful right. We, as free citizens of this nation, have the Constitutional right to maintain a well regulated militia and have the right to responsibly own guns. The intention of these rights was to allow the People the ability to protect themselves from foreign or domestic threats.

Scenario #1: Think about this, a boat lands on the North Carolina coast in the middle of the night. 1500 foreign troops quietly move into the sleepy little town of Duck. They take control of the town and use it as a staging point for an all out attack on American soil. Far fetched, yes, but possible. On September 9th, 2001, how likely was it that people could hijack 4 planes and fly them into buildings?

Scenario #2: President Obama pulls out his birth certificate and it's Malaysian. At that same moment he declares himself all powerful Dictator B. Hussein Obama, and his loyal troops move into Congress and massacre the elected officials.

Scenario #3: Scenario #1 or #2 play out. The American People take up their arms and take their country back. That is why we have militias at the ready at all times. They are not proactive assholes waiting to attack a representative of the American government. One more time for my Hutaree readers...A MILITIA IS NOT PROACTIVE, it is defensive. If it was proactive, why didn't Dick Cheney and Karl Rove employ them as a means to keep the office for the Evil Empire they had worked so hard on?

Terrorist organizations like Hutaree have ruined the perception of what a militia is or should be. Many American look at militias as dangerous, scary hillbillies playing dueling banjos
, the truth is a militia is just a group of red blooded Americans that enjoy their freedoms enough to be ready to defend them at times of distress.



As a gun owning (see photo, 4 more not pictured), freedom loving, government questioning, blue collar, rednecked, American...all I ask is that you educate yourself about the true meaning of a militia (not an extremist "christian" militia) before you judge. And I'll promise you the same!

-JB

The Brain Scanner!!!

When I woke up this morning, I thought to myself, “Self, it’s going to be a sunny day. Maybe not warm, but sunny.” Then I rolled over and looked at the clock with its bright evil red numbers glaring at me; almost in sync with my realization what the numbers meant, it began to scream! Loud, long shrieks of terror…I had hit snooze, twice.

I struggled to get out of the bed, stumbled to the kitchen and wolfed down a bowl of cereal as if I hadn’t eaten in months. I took the kind of shower I assume you take in prison; very quickly, clutching the soap for dear life. As I was running out the door it suddenly hit me that I had forgotten something; I paused and looked down the hall into my apartment. Standing there in the living room, her ears folded in, head held low and tail tucked up high beneath her hips. In my rush to get out the door, I had forgotten to take Dakota out for a walk and feed here. As I hesitated at the door, slowly her tail came out and it very cautiously began to wag. “Ok, I’ll take a cab to the office today. Let’s go, but just around the block.”

That’s how my day started. It’s gotten better. I found out that none of my loans will go through a formal audit by the FDIC (pure luck that has nothing to do with the quality of the credit facilities). I really have nothing exciting or interesting to write about today. I could go off on a rant about the people opposing the health care bill who have not proposed a viable alternative to the new law. And how you have a right to protest and oppose any bill or law, but you should be more than a squeaky wheel, be a part of the solution; educate yourself and come up with something. It’s like trying to go on a road trip with friends and one of them shoots down all your ideas, but never make any suggestions of their own. Or having that daily conversation with your significant other that goes like this: “Hey, did you want to go out for sushi tonight?” “No, not in the mood for sushi.” “Ok, what do you want?” “I don’t know; what about you?”; “Well…I want sushi.” “Yeah, not tonight.”

So, I got kind of bust and put this aside for a few. During that time I came up with something cool to write about! I have been given the responsibility of selling off a piece of collateral we had "returned" to us. ITS A BRAIN SCANNER!!! Well, not really. It's a surgical imaging devise that can be used in neurosurgery.

If you know anyone that needs it, I can work out a great price. It's functional and I've learned how to use it as evidenced by this photo:




That's me performing a lobotomy on my boss. Yeah, I know...I'm awesome!

But seriously, if you know someone that wants to buy this or the $350,000 of cell phone accessories I need to move, let me know!



Johnny 5 is alive!!

Shit we don't need.

Ok, so my last few posts have been a bit deeper than I normally get, for good reason. My mood has been a bit off and unlike many, I don't drink when I get down; I get pensive. My posts become introspective. However, as a generally happy individual with three major stress points in my life, I am in a stellar mood today. No, it's not the "holiday", my mood is rooted in the fact that I am a happy person, and I am really working on changing the things in my life that don't work. And working toward fixing things makes me happy. So since I am in a good mood, I had a few whiskey's before dinner...

I want to parlay this post off my previous, more serious conversation. I spoke a lot about minimalizing my life and reducing the clutter; I think the work I created was, 'Decluterfy'. Reducing the stuff that wastes physical, emotional and mental space in my life. Tonight I want to look at the things that we really don't need as a society and culture.

1) Pages Intentionally Left Blank: We've all seen it, you're scrolling through a document, page after page of .pdf and out of nowhere, mid-document there it is. Page 34 of 76, it declares in bold capital letters..."THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK. On some level I get it, you wanted to insert a blank page for some unknown reason, but didn't want the reader to think they were missing anything. But the damn page is not blank!!! In fact it's nothing more than a lie!!! It was intentionally printed on. Either leave the damn thing out or put THIS PAGE INCLUDES NO RELEVANT INFORMATION FOR A REASON. Or, just don't waste my f'ing paper and printer ink.



2) ATM Fee Notification: How many times a month do you go to an ATM? 3, 4, 10? I know I use the thing at least once a week. And for probably 10 years now every single time I used an ATM I was charged a fee. And every time I go to an ATM I am asked if I approve of the fee. NO, I DON'T APPROVE OF THE FEE...but for crying out loud, I know it's coming. I know you are going to charge me $3 (the price of a bottle of Charles Shaw Red Wine or two cans of PBR at the Rail). Quit wasting my precious seconds by asking me if it's ok to charge me. Am I at an ATM? As a salesman, I think it would be a better tactic to notify me when you WEREN'T charging me a fee. Then I might actually consider switching to your bank.



3)Surgeon General Warnings: Ok, found on cigarettes and booze. All I really need to say is, "If you can't tell that the cigarettes you are smoking have had a negative impact on you ability to BREATHE, than maybe you deserve to die of lung cancer". It was different in the early days; in the 40's and 50's 9 out of 10 doctors smoked Camel Brand. It was a healthy, social thing to do. The WWII and early boomers were taught it was safe and socially acceptable to smoke. IF YOU STILL BELIEVE THERE ARE NO NEGATIVE EFFECTS TO CIGARETTE SMOKE YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET!!!!! And there are enough products out there, that cost the same or less than cigs, to aide quitting. If you really want to quit the little warning label won't help, nor will it deter future smokers.



4) The Chia Pet: If you want a plant, get a plant. If you want a statue, buy a statue. You have room for both.

5) The Clapper: No...not the Clap. If you want the lights off, get your lazy ass out of be and turn off the damn lights. Quit being lazy.

6) Bottled Water: Ok, aside from the environmental impact of buying bottled water there is the personal financial effect. Turn on the tap...even if you pay for city water it's going to cost you 90% less than buying your water at the store. Get over the "taste". You should drink 64 ounces of water per day minimum; that translates to nearly $12 per day if you buy bottled water. Even if you paid $100 per month for your home water bill (which is ridiculously high) you're still about $200 less than you'd pay to drink 64 ounces of bottled water per day over the course of a month.




This list could go on forever, but I'm going to stop here because, well, that's all I have tonight.

-JB

Decluterfy

I am going to decluterfy my life. I am going to eliminate all the clutter, both tangible and electronic that has taken its mental and organizational toll on me. It seems like the more we are "connected" the less we get done, and there is a point where we just have too much stuff.

By the end of April I intend to have eliminated anything I haven't used or don't intend on using for at least 6 months (I'm keeping my golf clubs and guns so don't ask for them). Some things will be sold, others thrown out and donated. Many of my online accounts will be deactivated (Facebook is up for debate at this point). The intent is to refocus my energy and find a more efficient use for my space and time.

I realized a few days ago that I have something like 75 apps on my iPhone, many I have never even used that provide information I can find just as quickly using a good old fashion Google search. I have two of every kitchen utensil and clothing I have never worn. I have 10 place settings of my everyday dinner stuff, but have never had more than 4 people over for dinner when the nice china wasn't used. I see no reason to have stuff "just in case". In case what? In case we need to give 50 gifts and Target and every other store runs out of gift bags?

I have a lot of goals and things I want to get done in my life, I don't need all the distractions that impede my ability to get things done. I don't need a Twitter account, I don't really care to tell the world what bars and restaurants I'm "Mayor" of via Foursquare, and I'm really not interested in reading random people's thoughts. If I'm interested hearing what you have to say, I'll call or we can grab lunch or a beer. The idea is to simplify my life, take the little rocks out of the jar so the big ones can fit.

I'm not anti-social, I'm not looking to distance myself. I'm looking to add value to my relationships and increase my time spent obtaining my personal and professional goals.

It starts today. I'm done with all the crap.

-JB

Memoirs & Tell Alls

This is the kinda stuff that goes through my head when I stay up until 4 am on a Tuesday night and need to get up at 6 to get ready for work...I started thinking about funny titles famous people could use if they wrote memoirs and tell alls. I warn you that some of them are really dumb, but remember I came up with them after only 2 hours of sleep in the last 42 hours.

1) "My Life with B.O.: A Memoir" by Michelle Obama



2) "It's Only Got One 'L', Assholle!" by Dalai Lama

3) "I Was Famous??" by Lindsay Lohan

4) "He was an Oops Baby." by George Herbert Walker Bush



5) "Oh Shit" by Pontius Pilate

6) "Serial Killers and Catcher: Why I Became a Recluse" by J.D. Salinger

7) "Hot Steamy Night with Dick...Cheney" by Glenn Beck



8) "Why I Lost in Russia" by Napoleon

9) "Why I Lost in Russia" by Hitler

10) "I Made Russia Look Like Assholes & Something About Marlyn Monroe" by John F Kennedy

11) "Booze, Coke, Hookers & Taking Shit Over" by Moammar Kadafi, forward by Steven Tyler

12) "How Many Times Can I Confess?" by Joran van der Sloot

13) "Hey, Guess What!" by Bernie Madoff

14) "Really? Are You Kidding Me? You Didn't Know?" by Liberace



15) "Life After Brynn" by Phil Hartman

Any of these would be at least an interesting read. I need to start sleeping...

-JB